I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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