Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
