So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
