i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
