At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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