Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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