i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
