I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
