I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
