Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
