yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
