I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Send help, water and tortillas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
