My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
