you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
