I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
