Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Randomize
