I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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