A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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