I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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