She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
