I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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