Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
