dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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