I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize
