My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
