those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
