6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
