i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
