im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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