New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
