I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
