i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
