Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
