last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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