Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
