Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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