I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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