Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
