She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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