Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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