I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
