you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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