Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
