i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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