My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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