I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
