Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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