I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
3 2 1 whiskey
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
