I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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