RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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